The great debate over whether rattan sofas survive a garden or merely survive garden centre patio display was resolved once and for all in the end, thanks to someone unearthing a photo of theirs after four winters out in the elements, cushions intact, one arm slightly bleached but basically smug as fuck and proud to be there. Shut most of the cynics up right there. But not all. Someone will still argue that particular sofa was a fluke and we mere mortals are one wet November away from discovering our investment has secretly become a compost heap overnight.
Why? Because here’s the thing nobody wants to admit when you buy it in the shop: you aren’t buying a sofa, you’re betting against yourself and your own weather forecast/a tendency to procrastinate in equal measure. Because yes the synthetic rattan will last bloody ages, we aren’t stupid, that isn’t up for debate.
What is up for debate is if any of us will actually remember to put the sodding cover over it before the first frost, or leave it folded up on the bench half-heartedly mocking us from the shed until April.
The one thing we can all agree on, bafflingly, is how flipping brilliant it looks empty.
No cushions, just there catching the light.
It does more for a space than most gardens’ plants do. Honestly.
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Someone bought a corner set because it made their patio look like an area you’d actually choose to sit and spent an entire summer not sitting in it because the cushions were “too nice to ruin”.
Actual goats live in grass fields, people.
We own rattan sofas and pretend not using them full-stop isn’t a problem.
(We will also somehow pick furniture that seats six people but has cushions that absolutely insist on popping out of the frame when you have eight people over for drinks. Nobody’s fixed this, we just dodge pelting cushions at each other these days. )
Equally evenly split is the colour debate. Want grey for calm expensive-track-suit-wearing vibes? Lose because half the group will point out, rightly, that your nice pale grey will have leaf births, bird bombs and lipstick remnants proudly displayed come the week after you buy it, and by the time summer’s over it won’t look serene andNeutral™, it’ll look like a homicide detective’s sandpit.
Stick with us on this, folks, and accept that regardless of colour, the only way this lifestyle works is if you treat your rattan like outdoor furniture. Covers on after use, mostly. Quick hoover/wipe down every now and then. Bleached arm? Dry your tears, dear, and remember you were going to repaint it anyway six months ago.
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