One of us can’t sleep under a duvet unless the corners are perfectly square. Tucked and squared off like it’s going to inspection by a man in beige shorts. The other two of us have accepted that this is just how she is now. Every night. Like brushing teeth. It’s less of an argument most of the time and more – at this point – the kind of thing you bring up unasked at pub quiz teams and family Christmases.
The other two treat it more like a guideline.
Something that ends up halfway across the room by 3am and gets kicked back on with your knee.
No corners to be had here.
That is sort of the thing with a double duvet though, isn’t it. It doesn’t matter who’s sleeping under it. It’s the one thing in your house that needs to account for two people’s idea of comfortable every single night and just deals with it. One of us runs hot. Spends all year one tog away from spontaneously combusting. One of us is always cold. Always blaming “circulation”. Been looking at a 13.5 tog on ridiculously_special_duvets since it was still chilli-ing outside. We’ve bought the “his and hers” ones. We’ve tried two single duvets shoved under a duvet cover. Lies. The latter sounds like a catfight waiting to happen until you try it and realise it’s why some marriages work.
We got a cheap one once. Must’ve been years ago. The kind that comes rolled up like a hedgehog into clingfilm and smells like the corner of the warehouse it was living in before you took it home. Lasted one winter. Went thin and lumpy in patches. Like it gave up in some places but not others. Been.boxing clever since. Get the tog for the room you’re using it in.
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Summer and winter values on the label do not apply when “spare room that’s always freezing” and “main bedroom with dodgy insulation” are two very different.requests.
Speaking of daily duties.
The real relationship with it is thus: flinging it back over the sides of the bed each morning like you’re trying to rip the bumpers off a mattress in protest.
Shoving each side into the cover separately like they were sewn by someone with much smaller hands than us. Trying not to think about how you’ll dry it next. Where the fuck do you even dry a double duvet when you live in a flat?? ?
We’ve agreed (don’t quote us on this, we literally just said this stuff out loud and got it wrong) that if a double duvet is doing its job right, it isn’t really anything to think about. It shouldn’t feel like much at all. You should wake up just cool enough and warm enough and the corners can be square or not depending on who makes the bed. The better ones fade into the background of your life. The bad ones announce themselves at 2am. And let me tell you, NOBODY HAS TIME FOR THAT.
