I’m seriously so over bathrooms that fetishise masculinity. You know the ones I mean; grey walls with black everything, visible pipework painted fake rust, filament lightbulbs hanging from the ceilings…it’s just not my jam. I think my hatred stems from the fact I find it all so performative.
Why do people think mimicking an industrial warehouse makes them any more or less of a man? I mean we’ve all agreed bathrooms = putting vanity units so obviously declaring “I SHOWER HERE” so why the need to carry it THAT far? It’s been building up in me for years but it came to a head when my friend Sarah was telling me about her boyfriend’s bathroom… He’d ripped the whole thing out and spent thousands on creating what can only be described as; Holmes bloody Watson’s bedroom meet Alton Towers toilets.
Apparently stepping into the space feels like visiting some dudes-storage-cupboard-turned-boiler-room. Whilst at home!
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been to plenty of mans bathrooms.
Between friends, family and viewing flats whilst house hunting for ours in Dunstable I’ve seen them all. Dark walls, “feature” pendant lighting and completely cold materials. Let’s be honest, they’re ugly.
Deep down I know most men would agree with me but everyones too scared to buck the trend I guess? Case in point; my brother-in-law Dave lives in a flat outside Milton Keynes and when he first moved in went to town on creating the ultimate masculine bathroom. Matt black walls and tiles with a cloakroom-style central light.
It was expensive to do and looked like every other masculine-styled bathroom I’ve ever seen. But Dave hated it. It was awful.
The dark tiles showed up water marks like aHighlighter, the lighting was awful and made doing stuff incredibly hard to see. Everything just felt closed in. So when he asked for my advice before he renovated it last year (thanks lovely girlfriend Emma for convincing him!) we decided to strip it all back and start again.
Literally. None of this; “oh we’ll just brighten it up a bit” nonsense. The first thing we did was paint the walls white.
Yup WHITE. Not off-white, not grey, not muted green. A beautiful creamy-white thats got some tone to it.
Dave was convinced it would be boring but wow did it open up the space. Using the same white on the ceiling too helps make it feel double the size it actually is. We ripped up the floor tiles too.
Instead of going down the “dark stone” or “fake concrete” everyone else does we found some amazing wide oak boards. Obviously sealed properly for bathroom use obvs I’m not completely ridiculous. Not only does it feel warm underfoot it ages really nicely and looks expensive without being pretentious AF.
We found this lovely vintage style dresser through a reclaimed furniture shop near Luton and used that as the bathroom vanity. Painted it sage green- same colour as Em and I went for in our bedroom btw, it’s such a nice calming colour- and laid a thick piece of white marble on top. The basin itself is just plain white ceramic but together it looks sleek without being TOO “look at me I’m better than you” Dave was worried the green would look too feminine and I nearly fell of the ceiling.
Like when did painting something a full colour become a boys bathroom no go? ? Anyway, we got it fitted and low and behold it actually looks amazing. Calming, grown up and nothing like the sterile warehouse vibe he went for previously.
We then tbh really murdered the lighting. Everyone and their dog does those exposed bulb pendant things in their mans bathroom and whilst stylish for about 5 minutes I hate them. They’re awful.
Proper grisly. So instead of following suit we opted for some proper wall lights either side of the mirror. Brass sconces with fabric shades that actually compliment your skin tone rather than wash you out like a freaking zombie.
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Oh and then. Drum roll…. We BOUGHT HIM A CHANDLIER.
Yes. You read that correctly. In HIS bathroom.
Now hear me out- its nothing crazy flashy or big and boastsy, we picked up this simple brass and glass bang from a vintage shop but people are literally STUNNED when they see it. They do this weird double take thing where they look at me like; “oh you can actually decorate a bathroom and make it look masculine?” I honestly love that reaction. We ran the mirror nearly floor to ceiling too as Dave is quite tall and Ive been so bored of seeing bathrooms with mirrors that look like they’re aimed at people 5’2 and below me!
It’s frameless which stops it feeling too “decorative” but makes the room feel huge and actually serves a purpose for someone over 6ft tall. For storage we installed floating oak shelves to match the floor. They’re great for holding books (Yup books.
People like reading in bathrooms get over it) some plants that thrive in the humidity and his collection of fancy face products. It can be nice to display the things you spend your money on rather than hiding them away in a cupboard! The shower was by far our biggest cost but so worth it.
Instead of going down the traditional dark grey/black route we used large white marble tiles with subtle grey veining. The screen is clear glass with minimal fixings so it disappears into the background. And we had a bench built in along one wall- Sound expensive?
Don’t be. A seat to put your stuff on that isn’t the floor is pure bliss. We decided on all white towels too.
Thick, fluffy white towels that make everything else in the room feel high-end. Dave wanted dark grey like “men should” but white just screams expensive. And they’re way easier to keep actually white and replace if they start to go grotty.
Lastly; plants. Everywhere. A big fiddle leaf fig in the corner that loves the steam, snake plants on the shelves and a little orchid on the vanity.
Trust me when I say; if you want people to know you’ve got your shit together show them your bathroom plants. Mine are ALL indoor only and look like death-I’ll have what he’s got. It took us around 8 weeks to complete as were working around Daves shifts/nights out etc and came to about £5k all in.
Labour too. Not cheap but then we didn’t go half aspiring-basic-Brazil costing ourselves either. The marble was by far the most expensive part of the room but we saved so much money doing the painting ourselves and rummaging through reclaimed yards.
The response has been great. Some of Dave’s friends have looked a little confused by how light it is and the “fancy” bits- the ceiling lights obviously.
But everyone comments on how calm and high-end it looks and smells.
Emma even said it was the first boyfriend’s bathroom she’d ever wanted to spend time in and thats praise right there if I’ve heard it. What I love most about the space now is that Dave uses it. Before he would literally shower, get ready and leave.
Not anymore! He has baths, takes his time getting ready now and even brings his coffee in there sometimes when he’s shaving. Its become a room he wants to be in rather than just visits.
I think thats what’s wrong with everymans men bathrooms. Everyone cares SO much about making a statement that they forget about making a nice room. Real men know they dont need to showcase how masculine they are through their choice of bathroom tile.
Sometimes the classiest move you can make is laying your enemies low. With wallpaper.
